So…..about last night.
I guess I should tell you guys that I was contacted on Thursday by Taylor Nation through Taylor’s tumblr and……….I freaked out a little bit. Okay, more than a little bit. Way more than a little bit. We all knew about the secret session she’d done prior and I was thinking to myself that maybe this is what they were referring to in the message. I only say that because all they wanted to know was my full name, age, where I lived, etc, etc. It could only mean one thing.
Flash forward an hour after I email them what they wanted. The phone finally rings with a 615 area code. It was Taylor Nation, and long story short, I was invited to a “top secret event,” meaning I couldn’t say a word to ANYONE ABOUT IT. So up until Sunday night was literally awful because I COULDN’T say anything to you guys!!! AND I SO DESPERATELY WANTED TO!!!!!!
My parents were down with it from the get go and I couldn’t be more thankful for that because they’re the whole reason I was able to get to Nashville. It wasn’t even a thought to NOT let me go because they knew how important this experience was going to be for me. So, on Sunday morning, we all woke up at 5 am and left the house for Nashville at 6, and ended up at the hotel at 1:30 pm.
3:30 rolls around and we arrive at the meeting destination. The line was considerably long and I was kind of bummed that I didn’t see any familiar faces, but I didn’t let that get me down because I knew what was about to happen. We were escorted onto the bus after showing our IDs and we actually ended up being the loudest bus. So loud that the camera man that had been standing around at the meeting place decided to ride along with us.
In about ten minutes, we arrived at Andrea and Scott’s home. It was beautiful. We were directed to the back patio where we were told to help ourselves to the food and drinks (literally I went ham the sushi was fuckin FIRE shout out to whoever made that) and that we would be getting things started shortly. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
After standing around in the backyard, we were finally let into their home. It was gorgeous. It had these tall black walls with white accents all over and it looked very Autumn-y (Taylor said they did that on purpose lol). The living room floor was covered with pillows and we all sat down and waited for the next thing to happen.
The next thing that happened was something that I will never, ever, ever forget. Taylor walked into the room and I absolutely lose it. She looked gorgeous (literally I wasn’t surprised) and even more beautiful in person and honestly she is so cute I’m starting to lose my good puncuation and sentence formation BUT HONESTLY JESUS CHRSIT I WANTED TO DO A SOMERSAULT THROUGH THE CROWD AND JUST…………..HUG HER……..
But I couldn’t. Yet. Because the first thing we did was listen to the first half of the album. Just by listening to the first half I already knew that 1989 is going to be her best album. There isn’t a doubt in my mind about it. But…I want to keep the songs a surprise, so I’m not going to really talk much about.
It’s finally time for “intermission” aka a break where Taylor passes out cookies, we use the bathroom, talk to her parents, etc etc. During this intermission I got to do all of these things. Except use to bathroom. I was too excited to use the bathroom. I got to speak with Andrea and she is so kind and warm hearted, I understand why people adore her so much now. I asked her if I could hug her and she said yes ofhbghh!!!!!!!!!! Then we had a conversation about how much Taylor appreciates all of the things we do for her and that we were hand picked (I lost it because I didn’t KNOW R I P) and how special this is for HER. Andrea Swift is the love of my life tbh
THEN. FINALLY. NO BIG DEAL. TAYLOR STARTED TALKING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. I WAS LITERALLY CONVULSING NEXT TO HER AND MY SISTER WAS LIKE KYLEE. STAY. COOL. REMAIN. CLAM. AND I WAS JUST…………..?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!.1.1.1!?!?!.,11MNUHGIGUK But I did. I kept my cool (surprisingly) and I had a conversation with THE Taylor Swift about how Olivia looked like a baby polar bear. She made direct eye contact and gave me her full attention despite being crowded around 54678900756658 other people. She gave me a hug and after that, passed out some more cookies and then we finished listening to the second half of the album.
Then we all were taken outside and seperated into groups according to the number we had on our wristband. I was group 4. FOUR. F O U R. 1. 2. 3. 4!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not going to talk much about what happened between then and me meeting Taylor because nothing really happened besides a lot of heavy breathing and mental preperation.
When my group got taken into the house, Scott stopped and talked to us for a good ten minutes about how much Taylor loves what she does. He talked about how she’ll wake up in the middle of the night and tell him about ideas for songs that she has. He told us how on a day off Taylor’s just like “Hey, dad. I want to go to the hospital today. Let’s go.” He also talked about when she toured with Brad Paisley, that she would stay out until 1 or 2 am just signing things for fans because she wanted to get to absolutely everyone. We also spoke about how the media portrays her and how hard that is for him sometimes. But he reminded us that Taylor knows who she is and there’s no use in getting upset over it because of that. He was radiating pride and you could tell how much love he has for Taylor.
Finally, it was my time to meet Taylor. I’m so happy I remember all of this so I can share it with you guys.
I approached Taylor but didn’t have time to even get one word in because she grabbed my hands and looked at me and said, “You are so beautiful. You are so pretty, oh my God. You are SO pretty.” I just shook my head and told her to not say that because I’d start crying, I tried to tell her that SHE was beautiful but she wouldn’t let me (R I P ME SHE’S AN ANGEL) because she went on to tell me that I remind her of an actress, that I cannot remember the name of for the LIFE of me and it makes me so angry.
Then I clarified that I was the particle girl from the video. I had to explain a bit and her eyes lit up, still holding my hands from earlier, and said, “Oh my God! I am so excited to be meeting you right now! I love your creativity.” I told her how I had school the next day and how hard I was trying and how I had just gotten out of the shower, but she just told me how much she loved the video. It was……so…………I just………….
She wouldn’t let go of my hands. She told me I smelled good. (R I P ME AGAIN FOR LIKE THE EIGHTH TIME!!!!!)
We talked a bit about tumblr and I said, “I don’t even know if you see what I post.” and she was like “You are /so/ hilarious, like, you are /so/ funny! I love your dark sense of humor. I love what you reblog!” and I felt like fainting because….you guys know how much I love making you guys laugh…I spend so much time on here because you guys GET me and let me say these weird things and LAUGH and you tell me I’m funny and I love making you guys laugh. It makes me so happy. And for Taylor to tell me that was one of the most important things that has ever happened to me.
I then told her I had to get the ~serious~ stuff out of the way. I told her and I guess you guys should know, too.
First, I had to tell her about the night before the Speak Now show. I was making my big, elaborate poster (that I ended up not bringing because the arena said I couldn’t bring it in. I told Taylor that she said “That’s so lame! It’s like not letting you in because you’re too awesome.)
Anyway, I told her about how I struggled a lot with self harm at that time because of a lot of things. School. Family. Etc, etc. I told her that when I was making my poster, I was so invested in what I was doing that I kind of thought to myself, “Why do I get sad about things when this is what my life is? Taylor Swift, a literal ball of sunshine. Why do I get sad and hurt myself when the person I look up to is so happy?”
I told Taylor that I stared at the picture of her I had put on the poster and said to myself, “You know what. I am going to stop. I am going to stop for her.” I told her that I haven’t done it since.
Her whole demeanor changed and suddenly she became really concerned. It was so reassuring to see her like that while looking at me. It’s unexplainable.
I also told her something else.
I sometimes make these long, annoying, sad posts about my mom because a long time ago, way back in 2012, she left us for about seven months. It was just me, my two sisters, and my dad. My dad barely got us by and just had enough money to put food onto the table. My sisters and I had to reconstruct our entire lives because our mom wasn’t there to do the things she normally did. Sometimes I would get left alone a lot because I was the youngest and my sisters were at school or work and my dad was out trying to get every ounce of money he could to raise us three growing girls. In those times, it got very dark. I don’t mean that literally, but it was just a dark time. I would sit alone on the couch crying, asking the fucking wind why my mom wasn’t here. I didn’t know why.
During all of those months, I turned to Taylor a lot. I told her everything above (in tears, gripping onto her hands), but I also told her that I didn’t want to say she was like a mother figure for me, but she definitely filled the void that my mom had created when she left. Taylor was there to tell me it was okay, Taylor was there when I woke up for school, Taylor was there to tell me to do all of the things that I didn’t want to do just because I felt like I was too weak and I felt like there was no point. She showed me that there was purpose. Of course, I don’t mean that she was there LITERALLY because. Obviously. Hello. But her and her music guided me through a lot. And I had to thank her for that, so I did.
She held onto my hands and said, “I am so, so proud of you. Everything that you specifically have gone through and what you and your family has gone through, I am so proud. That was all you guys. It wasn’t me. That was you.” I managed to hold back my tears but I thanked her about a gazillion times because at that moment I knew that Taylor Swift was proud of me. Taylor Swift is proud of me. 13 year old me was sobbing in a corner about that somewhere.
My sister Ashlee was walked over and Taylor explained to us how important it was that we stuck together when my mom left. Ashlee said, “This is so important to me, seeing her get to meet you, because this girl right here is my best friend, my baby. And you make her so happy. I’ve never seen her this happy. Thank you.”
We took our pictures and I got to go first. I said, “The duck face and the peace sign are kind of my thing.” She said, “Oh, like this.” And threw up the deuces and did a duck face (R I P ME!!!!!!!!” I was like yes!!! and she said, “Okay, let’s do this!” So we did. It was amazing. Rip. Me. Forever. I am dead. In the grave. Then Ashlee came over and we took a group shot. Rip. Me. Again. Dead.
I hugged her one last time and told her I love her to the moon and back and she told me that she loves me too. I didn’t want to let go tbh my whole life was in my arms honestly I walked away in tears, holding my sister’s hand.
That day will never leave my mind. Those moments will never leave my mind. I will never, ever forget what Taylor did for me yesterday and I am so thankful that she thought I was worthy enough to come spend five hours with her and a bunch of other fans. I will never comprehend that. I will never, ever understand.
I want to end this with reminding you all that I was the girl who had accepted the fact that I was never going to meet Taylor. I had decided that it wasn’t meant to be and I was just going to have to get over that. I’d spend nights crying in my room because I was so sad. I’d make posts about it that went on for HOURS about how I would never get to thank Taylor for all that she’s done for me.
But last night, I got to do all of those things. Nothing went unsaid and I am so happy I told her everything I wanted to.
Thank you again, taylorswift, for absolutely everything. I miss you already.